| Jedrey |
[Sep. 27th, 2008|11:46 am] |
Several years ago Sarah Jedrey removed me from her Livejournal friends list because (among other things) I couldn't quite seem to learn the invaluable lesson of thinking through my problems rather than feeling through them. "God gave you a mind for a reason, Chris," she told me. "Use it."
I would just like to take a moment and say that in however long it's been since she told me that, I still haven't learned the lesson.
Some people never change. |
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| Teacher |
[Sep. 15th, 2008|01:28 pm] |
I'm looking to become a teacher. A history teacher, to be exact.
If any friends, old and/or new, are reading this and care to share some info on the procedures necessary, then I'd greatly appreciate it.
The times, indeed, are a-changin'. |
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| Novel |
[Jun. 23rd, 2008|03:48 pm] |
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I've recently decided that I am going to write a novel. And I plan to stick with this goal, unlike my previous goals which I now cannot even remember.
I've been toying with some short story ideas to get my ol' writing hand a bit of exercise, yet these haven't exceeded more than half a page: stories about immigration to Ellis Island, or a more fantasticized autobiography. However, last night I managed to write a solid page which could serve as the true beginning of something great, but what I do not know. Even though I know I want to delve into magical realism, along the lines of Rushdie's Midnight's Children, I truly have no plot, no message, and no original principles or worldview to communicate at this time, which is frustrating since the characters are bobbing up and down in my head waiting to be used for some good purpose. |
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| Stuart! |
[May. 5th, 2008|03:45 pm] |
Can you read this?
If so -- tasty cold ones, May 31?
This is your (way in) advance notice. |
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| Howie |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|11:47 am] |
Deal or No Deal had a casting session at Hanes Mall here in good ol' W-S this past Saturday. People began lining up in and around the mall early Friday afternoon; several people planned to spend the night outside.
So, after a fine meal at Outback Steakhouse, one Rob West and myself drove up to the mall to see this incredible line - the like of which is unsurpassed in Hanes Mall history, to my knowledge. The Deal Fanatics were set up in small camps surrounded by fences all along the sidewalks.
After making one complete round of the mall, we made another round...this time with all four windows down. As we approached the fenced-in crowd, I stuck my head out of the window and shouted,
"Give it up for Howie! Wooooooooooo!"
I was greeted by the cheers of 1000 bored North Carolinians desperate to beat the banker.
It was golden. |
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| Girl |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|01:38 am] |
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Tonite, while sitting drunk at The Tap Room, a joint I visit every so often here in Winston, I momentarily fell in love with a girl - a particular girl who, while the moment still churns in my mind as one of superlative excess, I might describe as the most beautiful girl I have laid eyes on in such a long, long time. In my past, the most beautiful girls have often been ones whom I've come to emotionally regard as special...or ones whom I've wanted nothing else from but a solid good fuck. (Actually...the latter consequence is almost always forefront to my conscious...Regardless, and aside from that,) Tonight's girl, whose name I will never know (perhaps for the better) registers as a solid 9 out of 10 in my book on beauty alone. "The latter consequence" definitely plays a part, sure, I won't deny that - but the latter consequence, per se, reacts only to the amazing beauty I was astounded by in this darling of the nite. She has brown Amy Pace hair, dark, possibly brown eyes, and a face reminiscient of statuary. Flattery has no place here, for what would flattery serve me -- much less hyperbole? I fell in love simply by gawking all night long, and am a little heartbroken that our affair ended when I tabbed out. |
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| Name |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|09:53 am] |
What's in a name?
Isn't it one's meaning?
My full name - Christopher - comes from the Greek meaning "bearer of Christ." My religious travails have caused me to aptly interpret this as "burdened by Christ."
However, in Japanese kanji, Christopher becomes 'kurisutofaa', which can then be kanjified as "A bird which vomits chestnuts into its nest." As immensely hilarious as I find this - in life's twisted manner, am I not metaphorically guilty of such a thing? I am.
And my name is quickly associated with Christopher Colombus (the great discoverer who enslaved thousands and brought disease to the new land), Christopher Reeve (a quadriplegic), and Christopher Robin (a fictional character).
I think I was damned at birth. Why couldn't I have been named something more neutral....like Dan? |
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| Tix |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|08:57 am] |
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If anyone within the immediate viewing area would like a pair of tickets to see Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin and Seether this coming Friday, March 7 at the Greensboro Coliseum, it doesn't look like I'll be going...so they're yours. No charge. |
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| List |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|08:27 am] |
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Briefly, allow me to explain my LJ Friends List: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) newwaytowrite, whose posts I hardly (if ever) read, and who has likewise removed me from her own buddy list, posts nearly 8-10 times a day. 70%-80% of the posts I encounter when I check what my "friends" are up to involve multiple posts by this little nugget. And in case you're wondering why I have yet to remove this user from my Friends List then you have to understand that I'm a person who evaluates life based upon quantity, not quaiity.
grrm, the author of a favorite fantasy series of mine (A Song of Ice and Fire), comes in second. Where newwaytowrite posts in quantity, grrmposts in quantity and length! As a professional writer, this is to be expected. (I also do not read his posts as they mostly concern football or receiving some obscure writing award.)
Next to these two users, my Friends List has become more and more stale. Occassionally boulew will post something rooted in the traditional humor of Room 216, or tiffs80s will actually post anything at all, or catchyusername will offer a song or poem. But that's "occassionally."
I'm not sure why I posted this. |
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| Vagina |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|02:04 pm] |
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| Uncomfortable |
[Jan. 30th, 2008|01:45 pm] |
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It's frightening to think that women who could easily be my mother would like to see me naked. |
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| Image |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|12:31 pm] |
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I'm considering letting my hair grow out...and getting an ear pierced. |
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| Fantasy |
[Dec. 20th, 2007|10:07 am] |
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George R.R. Martin, a favorite author of mine - but whose books I've become impatient with - posted this video on his LiveJournal discussing the possibility/impossibility of an HBO series based on his series, A Song of Ice and Fire. Movie fanatics might not be easily fooled, but it's a phenomenal video nonetheless. As the author himself says, I'd buy a ticket to see it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szQ-ZhVxZSU
(This has inspired me to pick up the books again!) |
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| Desire |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|10:08 am] |
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Romantic desire is a curious feeling, especially when a man hasn’t experienced it for quite some time. Its immediate insatiability is expectant, hopeful and climactic which causes it to simultaneously feel dismally disturbing due to the perpetually uncertain crescendo/decrescendo. It is wholly different from lust - as lust is quite easily cured. Lust engulfs the body with its orgasmic immediacy while romantic desire clings to the better part of man’s psyche, finds a host in the internal crevices of want, and bleeds him into a sickness cured only by capture. |
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| Angry music |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|11:54 am] |
Currently the CD changer in my car holds the following six CDs:
1.) Tool - 10,000 Days
2.) Hurt - Vol. II
3.) Korn - Take a Look in the Mirror
4.) Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral
5.) Demon Hunter - Storm the Gates of Hell
6.) Filter - Title of Record
Currently on my desk at work sits a number of CDs, including:
Machine Head - The Blackening
Chevelle - Vena Sera
As I Lay Dying - An Ocean Between Us
Korn - Untouchables
I'm considering picking up some Marilyn Manson or Between the Buried and Me this weekend while out shopping for Christmas.
I need some Al Green in my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|04:57 pm] |
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I feel as if I've done something to irritate the vast majority of those who once called me friend. Hell if I know what that was... |
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| Prizes |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|03:45 pm] |
At the annual holiday luncheon at work, I won 3 tickets to see Chris Daughtry at the War Memorial Coliseum in Greensboro (which effectively be eBayed tonight) plus executive parking.
And I'm going to save 50% at Borders today with my coupons. |
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| Why am I letting this get to me? |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|02:27 pm] |
As few of you probably know, for a little more than a year now I've involved myself fairly specifically with Islam. At first, it was in the form of conversion, but once I regained my senses and began walking once more on my own two feet again, I realized that, instead of being the champion of Islam, I wanted to be a crusader against it. And once I found that neither extreme was beneficial, I decided to call myself an Islamophile.
None of this is all that important except for the self-righteous precept that I like to consider myself a "progressive" Islamophile - meaning, of course, that it irritates the holy ever-living fuck out of me when people consider Islam as some monolithic entity which operates in a vacuum. Perhaps you can see where I'm going with this? |
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| New car |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|12:12 pm] |
I just bought my first new car. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2007|10:51 pm] |
I've been waiting expectantly for Ginny to give her body to Harry. I read several weeks ago in the New York Times review that she did. When she did, I was a little flummoxed by the results - not that I was expecting something pornographic or terribly exciting, especially when cramming one's tongue down another's throat is referred to as "snogging," but I was hopeful for something more. I'm not sure why, other than I'm fairly certain I'd rather be the one doing the snogging...not Harry.
Single life is starting to leave scars. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|05:15 pm] |
Fortunately, the Parrothead diversion proved to be just that: a temporal diversion with very little substance whatsoever.
In fact, I've reached the conclusion that there could possibly be nothing more miserable than being stuck on a boat full of Parrotheads. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2007|10:04 pm] |
I'm not one to be very vocal about the concept of evil. Oftentimes, regardless of my religious persuasion, I tend to ascribe to the Nietzschean view that evil simply does not exist, that good does not exist, and all qualitative moral designations are mere subjectivity and happenstance. Of course, by suggesting the absence of evil then I, as a Christian, deny the reality of both Satan and the punishment of hell. However, I'm not so well-defined on a number of philosophic and theological issues...and the concept of evil is one of those, leaving me enough room to believe that a being called Satan does exist. Whatever Satan is, I don't know. I'm fairly certain the concept of the Sith and Dark Side from Star Wars comes close, though.
Regardless of what Satan is, and because I've allowed myself enough slack to believe in the existence of evil (for I doubt I'd be religious, otherwise), I must confess that this past Saturday night I had an absolutely horrid dream in which I felt the most intense presence of evil in my life that I ever have before. The amount of fear I felt <i>while asleep</i> is remarkably beyond words...but many and any classic descriptions and depictions by other people and films truly does justice to the amount of fear I felt in the presence of something immensely dark and terrifying...something which was stalking, no, chasing me. Unfortunately, I can't say much more about the dream than that. Any attempt at dictating what happened in the dream would sound foolish and far from the terrifying experience that I felt it to be, which is encouraging because it helps me realize that, all in all, it was still just a dream.
One thing which causes me to regard such a dream as more than "just a dream" is a book I recently read by Michael Brown called "Prayer of the Warrior," which a friend of mine, Brian, let me borrow a few weeks back. I initially laughed at the book and joked about its contents, which involved the author, Michael Brown himself, having a dream in which the face of Satan was appearing in his dreams thereby causing the author immense panic and spiritual frustration. I haven't forgotten the book, but it wasn't a book I have been too keen on remembering. As much as I like Brian, sometimes he lets me borrow some really senseless books. Now that I've had this dream, it's caused me to speculate about some of the points raised by the book - especially the point which drives home the reality of evil.
Was this dream the result of something I had done to myself, or to my conscience during the day Saturday? Was this dream the result of random firing neurons which happened upon the thread of Michael Brown's book? Or was this dream reality in the foggiest of surreal nightmares that I have yet experienced?
Sure, there's no sure way in answering that - but that dream will foster many conversations on the concept of evil for years to come. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|12:12 pm] |
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The past few months, ever since quitting school, have been a period of reflection on who I am, what I am, and why I am - but don't worry, I don't intend to share all of that with you here.
Not all, at least.
You see, for some unbeknownst reason to myself, and yet for reasons only I would understand, I've started a fascination not only for the music of Jimmy Buffett but also for the Jimmy Buffet (Note: Parrothead) lifestyle. I can quite easily see why the man has carved out such a name for himself: selling tropicalia to suburbanites is no small thing. I've apparently fell victim to that, now. A lifestyle of tailgatin', maxin' and relaxin' along the beach, and fun music (plus lots of alcohol ) now fascinates me to no end. In fact, I've actually been invited to a Parrothead party in Raleigh in July where there will be such things, minus the beach. Will I intend? Only if the fascination lasts.
Truth is, though, that this little fascination of mine - a fascination of wastin' away in Margaritaville, that is - is no different than when I wanted to travel to Middle Earth, or Narnia, or how I've always recognized that my personality will always be best described as "Deadhead." Ah, to follow the Dead from show to show: now that would've been the life!
In my ever continual self-exploration, Jimmy Buffett has allowed me to hit upon something big: I'm an escapist. And I'm not going to shy away from that fact, but I also think it best if I don't encourage it. My newfound Catholicism wouldn't entirely approve. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|02:31 pm] |
This is the most I've posted in one day for months...
...but I've got to say: for a moment there, Wahaj, it felt as if I was back in the drama-fold of South Spencer dormitory. |
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| a History of Wahaj |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|08:40 am] |
Never before in my life have I been told that somebody couldn't spare 5 minutes away from studying organic chemistry in order to offer a consoling word (and to have me feel like everything's alright); but, instead, blowing up at me because organic chemistry is so much more important than the quality of a human relationship. No, not until now.
You, Wahaj, are the first. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|01:15 am] |
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To quote both the Beatles and the Grateful Dead,
It's been a long and winding road, and what a long strange trip it's been...
...but after two years, I've finally come home into the Church.
And I owe it all to Our Lady of Grace and Mercy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|10:40 am] |
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George RR Martin is not the healthiest looking man in the world.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|12:14 pm] |
It was announced at precisely 1:17 AM January 1, 2006 that 2006 would be the year of "Go Time," and that there should be an utter disdain for "Car Time." 2006 definitely wasn't Car Time.
I'm happy to announce, even though this announcement is more than a couple weeks late, that 2007 is to be the Year of the Sabbath.
That's all. |
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| Smacks you in the face |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|01:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lemon Jell - Only Time | ] |
It hurts when it happens to you. It always does.
Sometime last week I signed onto MySpace to check on a comment which a friend had left and to delete more than a dozen porn ads. When I signed on to MySpace, I realized something different: one of my top 8 friends was missing. I couldn't immediately determine who it was, or why, but it didn't take long for me to figure out who...and that's when the hurt of the realization set in.
Of course I was upset! I was perhaps even just a little bit angry about the fact because I thought we were much better friends than that! I thought our friendship actually meant something! Just because you break up with my best friend, that gives you license to no longer be my friend?
I guess so.
Of course, I find it remotely insulting that we can't even be digital friends through such an isolated feature like MySpace, as we were prior to February 2006 occurring. But, I can't even hold that against you. You were my best friend's girlfriend for a time, and this kind of game comes with the territory.
To say it doesn't hurt would be lying. I now know what it must've felt like for Kat a couple years ago to hear that I had taken her off my AIM Buddy List. It's a stupid and trivial act - to take someone 'off' as a MySpace or AIM friend - but there's more than just a tiny amount of significance in such an act...it's an act which speaks loudly.
So, for what it's worth, this is just my way of saying goodbye. I'll miss you. You were a good friend, and we shared a lot about each other in what brief time we were given - but, as you already know, we can't dwell on relationships lost but cherish them for what they were. Take care. |
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| Can words speak louder than actions? |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|07:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sick Puppies - All The Same | ] |
It goes without saying that the past three months have been miserable, stressful, and downright hellish for me. Of course, given that not too many people who are now reading this realize this fact, let me spell it out for you: life's been shit. The source of all this stress and heartache lies in the fact that 3 months and one day ago (on July 18), I decided I would convert to Islam. The reasons why are scant and pretty stupid, but they mostly include my ongoing search for religion, the fact that I do believe in God, and because of a girl. [Don't judge me.] I did have some reservations about converting, but, at the time, I was so caught up in my emotions for this girl and the fact that I couldn't deny certain truths about Islam's message that these reservations obviously weren't speaking loudly enough. I now wish they had been at, at least, 160 dB...
After converting (or reverting as Muslims call it), I was told about a forum/discussion board located at WhyIslam.org. Within hours of converting, I had registered into the forum, written a lengthy introduction about myself, and started the process of getting to know many more Muslims in the online world.
Now, there's a few things which you must understand about WhyIslam.org and its forum. WhyIslam (or WI, as I'll refer to it) is run by the ICNA (Islamic Circle of North America). The ICNA used to financially support the Taliban before 9/11; of course, this doesn't suggest that WhyIslam supported the Taliban - it's just a propagandistic sidenote on my part. The Purpose of WhyIslam lies in its name: "Why Islam?" or, why you should convert to Islam. The process of teaching a non-Muslim about Islam is called "da'wah," which in Arabic means "invitation." Some Christians confuse da'wah with proseletyzing, but da'wah is not proseletyzing, it's just about informing and teaching. The decision to become Muslim is up to the person receiving da'wah. However, everything I just said is "Da'wah By The Book" when, in fact, there are plenty of Muslims who literally chomp the bit for anyone who expresses interest in Islam to convert. The purpose, therefore, of WhyIslam is da'wah.
Secondly, WhyIslam allows Christians, Jews, atheists, etc. to join the discussion. The purpose of allowing multiple belief elements to get involved in the discussions is twofold: 1.) as potential converts, or 2.) to demonstrate how other beliefs are in error, inapplicable, and ignorant. For Islam to contain the etymology of "Peace" (salam), even non-radical Muslims like the ones at WhyIslam sure do not like to engage in dialogue. On the forum, topics aren't limited but any topic which seemingly delves too far into the truth of Islam (e.g., its history) or is just too hot to handle is effectively refuted on illogical grounds and shut down. [This happened to me recently when me and one other lady were essentially refuting the doctrinal belief that Muhammed is sinless.]
Muslims are people too. Like Christians, their actions do not always speak what the religion preaches. Islam is, at heart, a very beautiful religion for those who wish to embrace it, but as imperfect beings, when we embrace such a beautiful thing then it tends to become soiled and adulterated. Christianity, in my opinion, is very much the same way. At heart, it's a very beautiful religion with a beautiful message, but when imperfect beings try to act in accordance with the message, it becomes confused with imperfect actions. As such, Muslims do not preach a general message of terrorism, hate, or violence. If you follow the media closely enough, you'll realize that it's Muslims who are dying as a result of radical Muslims. I feel it's important for me to mention this because I, personally, harbor no ill will towards Islam and especially not against Muslims for their beliefs - and I do not wish them harm. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't find Muslims hypocritical, totalitarian, and, at times one-dimensional, but I don't hate them for that just as I don't hate a lot of Christians for displaying similar qualities. In fact, whenever I went to the mosque here in town, I was always greeted by the most warm and caring of Muslim individuals. "Assalam alaikum, brother," they'd tell me, while shaking my hand then embracing me in a brotherly hug. These were the actions Muslims display...
Now, you may be asking yourself how exactly my life being shit and this forum are connected - and if there is a connection, then perhaps my life deserved to be shit. Perhaps you're right - because there is a connection. For one, I increasingly spent more and more time on the forum. At first, my time was, of course, spent defending Islam. Since I didn't have a large background in Islam, I didn't have much to say. Most of my time was spent refuting Christianity and the Bible like all the other Muslims were doing...and I was doing this because it's something I've done practically all my life (except those occassions when I've attempted to be a good Christian person) without a second thought. However, as life became increasingly more complicated, thanks again to Islam and the growing likelihood that I would be married before I was even ready, I started slipping in my practices - but my practices weren't the only thing slipping: I just plain out did not believe Muhammed was a prophet nor was the Qur'an the Word of God. The more I read on the forum from both Muslims and non-Muslims, the more I was convinced that Islam was not true religion.
So much time and space was used on the forum discussing and refuting Christianity (as I've already said) that it was if the Muslims were trying harder to convince themselves than anyone else, especially when the Christians on the forum didn't flinch. In fact, quite the contrary happened in some cases: because of the endless debate, Muslims would private message the Christians on the forum and say, "I'm thinking of leaving Islam and becoming Catholic." Historically speaking, Islam has had a diplomatic relationship with Christianity, but you'd never be able to tell this by such isolated places as WI where any defense of the Catholic Church amounts to Islamic treason. But these weren't the only debates or discussions which occurred, but so often the Muslims would assert how Islam would one day rule the world and other such firsmly established (and trivial) beliefs. When I finally announced my apostacy to the forum not long ago, I said, "Recently, some have accused me for defending the Christian faith or seeming a little too harsh on Muslims when some Muslims seem to feel too righteous for their own good, but I, personally, cannot belong to any religion which heralds itself as the answer to mankind when it promises to send all the rest of mankind and other religions to hell. I cannot participate in such a subliminal creed."
The reason why I mention all of this is because I really think so much of me gradually returning to my non-Muslim way of life and thought was by interacting with so many Muslim's thoughts in a contained environment. No way would I have ever gotten this far had my sole basis of Islam been by attenting the mosque and forming friendships with some of the brothers, as I was beginning to do, because the brothers at the mosque were honest, soft-spoken, quite wonderful people. Like others, they didn't speak their beliefs all the time; instead, they lived them. However, it's when these beliefs are in print that some of the actions become questionable, and, as with some things(like religion), the words can speak louder than the actions. It's not possible to physically act on the belief that the Bible is inferior to the Qur'an while remaining peaceful and non-aggressive, nor is it possible to act on the belief that one day every person in the world will be Muslim, but the beliefs are there in the heart of most (if not all) Muslims.
Am I criticizing Islam? Yes and no. Am I criticizing some Muslims? Yes. But you must understand that my criticism arises from the basis that Muslim beliefs are not my beliefs. This is why I should have heeded those reservations months ago. |
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| Girls + Deception = Likely |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|01:32 pm] |
There's a reason I don't like getting involved with girls.
No, it's not the fact that every few months or so she'll terrify me with the whole "missed period" fiasco; no, it's not the fact that she can be completely vague when describing to me why she acts so insane (inane?) yet can be oh-so descriptive about how her best friend scored a new boyfriend; it's not even the fact that her moods fluctuate with the rising and setting of the sun; and it's not even the fact that she's never around when I need her.
The reason why I don't like getting involved with girls is because I can't trust them.
Having said that, I'm ready for this current situation to snap and fly in my face like a taut guitar string. Any second now. |
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| The Expected Results of the Klezmer Kidd |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|03:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Penderecki - Credo | ] |
Let’s talk about Michelle.
Michelle is a girl I first met in high school: she was a freshman, I was a senior. We met in art class, actually. I was a student assistant to the teacher, Ms. Carlson, and Michelle was taking the class for a grade. I had just broken up with my girlfriend of six months, Ashley, and soon developed a crush on Michelle, which was weird considering she was much younger than myself: she was 14, I was 18. After carefully flirting with her for a month or so, I finally asked her on a date – but she told me she couldn’t because her parents probably wouldn’t let her date someone 18 years old. While I shrugged it off, I apparently never got over her: I’ve always wanted to know what would’ve happened if we had ended up in a relationship together.
I soon started dating Heather, and Heather was always jealous of Michelle because when I first met Heather and got her e-mail, my first e-mail to her said, “Do you know Michelle?” and went on to explain how I’d be turned down. Years later, when I ran into Michelle at the movie theater, Heather got so upset with me – almost as if I had purposefully coordinated the meeting! But I won’t lie: it was really good to see Michelle. On another occasion, Heather tells me (out of the blue), “Michelle tried killing herself a couple months ago. She tried slitting her wrists.” I was shocked, and because I was shocked, Heather got upset thinking I still had feelings for Michelle. It didn’t matter to Heather that, at the time, I was in love with her.
Luckily, Heather and I broke up.
While working one evening during school, a person in a car started shouting my name. “Chris! Chris! Over here!” I walked up to the car, peered in, and saw someone I thought I recognized: she had dark-rimmed glasses, her hair was long and wavy, and, well, she was kinda hot. ‘I know this girl,’ I thought to myself, ‘but who is she?’ We talked for a while, and she was so glad to see me. Finally, she gave me her phone number and drove off. I looked down at the strip of paper she gave me. It read ‘Michelle.’
I never called her. That Spring I ended up getting heavily involved with the dorm and pursued Kate to the lengths of the Earth. However, when Kate and I broke up in August, I pulled out the number which was still in my wallet and called Michelle.
By September, I had had enough and broke it off with Michelle forever, much how I did with Kat only a year later. In short, I was tired of being lead on a string. Sometime in August, Michelle mentioned that she was tired of her boyfriends mistreating her, and so I spoke up and said, “I’ve always wanted to try and be the perfect guy for you” or something similarly endearing and just a little bit schmoozy. She replied, “Oh my God. You’ve been right in front of me all this time, and I’ve not realized it.” She then said we should begin doing more things together and, in essence, date a while before committing to anything more serious, which was fine with me. It seemed like years of waiting had finally paid off! The only catch was that we ultimately never did anything together since that conversation. Everytime I’d schedule something, she was too busy. Sure, she did have a lot going on, like work and school, but I felt very offended that after saying, “We should start going out more together, just us” that we never once went anywhere. Finally, I confronted her.
I hate confrontation. If there’s a problem, I’d rather it just go away of its own natural discord. Most, if not all, confrontations I had with Stu during the time we lived together we just like that: we’d ignore each other for a day and by the next day we had completely forgotten about it. Of course, there many instances when we’d be upset at each other, then I’d say, “Wanna go to Waffle House?” which served as nothing less than a peace offering. Confrontation with Rob has been different, mainly because we talk about things as friends should. When confronting girls or girlfriends, it’s not easy, usually because it involves, to some degree, more than just the overt issue, as it did with Michelle.
I wrote Michelle a lengthy 8-9 page e-mail explaining exactly how I felt down to the minutest of details. I greatly anticipated her response. All I got was, “I don’t know what to say.” So now not only was she not ever going to do things with me, she couldn’t even respond to why she’d been leaving me on the clotheswire.
So I got mad.
And I told her we couldn’t be friends.
Love and logic do not go hand in hand. Emotion clouds reason. That’s what it did to me a little less than two years ago. I felt, and thought, that if I couldn’t have her as my girlfriend, I didn’t want her at all. Rough, but it’s how I felt. I went with it and it very likely seemed like the best decision I had ever made: I no longer had to worry myself with her and the possibilities of an “us.”
Things turned around the following September when Kat and I had our own falling out over nearly identical issues, only this time it was Kat who said she no longer could be friends with me. It was at this precise moment that I thought of Michelle, knew how it felt, and pitied her, as I was pitying myself, for what I had done. So I found her online and sent her an instant message. She responded, to which I was surprised, but it was a very bleak and meager conversation, mostly becoming trapped in small talk.
Finally, during the last week of May, I decided to ask her if she wanted to catch a movie with me. Was I asking her on a date 1 ½ years after telling her to, essentially, fuck off? I kind of believe I was. At the very least, I was hoping we could warm relations back up between us and return to where we left off, having forgiven each other for what had transpired early on. Of course, when I scheduled this date, I not only forgot to ask where she was currently living, but we didn’t even set a time for me to pick her up! And so, as the day drew nearer, I grew more anxious attempting to find her telephone number, her e-mail, or something, as I had thrown away and deleted most of these after our falling out.
Nothing.
And so the day of the date approached, and the night finally arrived, and I remained right where I was: at home, in my chair, reading or watching TV. I figured she was going to be mad at me, and I figured I find her online someday ready to have words with me, but she never did. I wondered, Does she just not care? Did she forget about it? Or is she just so upset with me that words won’t even matter? I expected the latter. So when I found her online a couple weeks later, I was surprised, but not, that she hadn’t said anything to me. Feeling shameful for not showing up, I was the one to initiate a conversation explaining what had gone wrong, but she never replied, never said a word. The next day I tried again. Nothing. By then I figured she was definitely trying to ignore me. However, on the third day, I tried one more time and she said, “Family stuff” then sent me her e-mail address.
That was a little less than a month ago. Ever since then, I’ve not heard a single word from her, not even in response to the e-mail I sent a couple days after she sent me her e-mail address. Well, I should correct myself, that was that last time I heard from her until last night when we talked, and mostly argued, online for nearly two hours. And we weren’t even arguing about the missed date; instead, we argued about how she assumed I was making assumptions about her and somesuch. At long last when I finally pacified her by explaining matters completely, we both went to bed having not gotten any further along the path of our “renewed friendship” than we had 1 ½ years ago, and what made it worse was that the argument we had was no different than the ones we used to have daily 1 ½ years back. As I went to bed, finally, at 1 AM, I thought to myself, “Do I really want to be her friend?”
For six years I’ve wondered what would’ve happened had Michelle and I began dating when I initially asked her on that date during high school. Somehow I’ve always imagined us being the perfect couple, completely happy in every aspect. But last night as I lay in bed thinking about the argument we had just finished I finally woke up and realized that that there’s no such thing as “what would’ve happened” and there is nothing but “what is happening,” and it seems I’m ignoring that in favor of some paragon ideal of love that does not exist between her and me.
Should we at least try to be friends? Perhaps I should give us the benefit of the doubt and try not to squelch things yet again too prematurely. However, if this style of arguing continues as it did for us 1 ½ years ago, we must just very well drift into a long silence. Unfortunate, but sometimes necessary. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|10:28 pm] |
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So badly would I like to sit here and actually write something with some sort of meaning to it which could characterize all of the feelings that I've felt throughout the day, ranging from sadness to anger and loneliness to confusion. It's not the first time I've felt these particular emotions, but it is the first time I've felt these emotions in this particularly new and unsettling setting - a setting I will find my own self in some day, whether I like it or not, and a setting which prompts me from time to time to lead a good life, loving God, at least, and managing my often erring ways. Unfortunately, I can't find the words the accuratey depict how it is I've felt today and how it is I feel right now. Life isn't normal, that's all I know, and I truly feel that the world will be ending someday soon. I was hoping to buy some new Herbie Hancock and Wayne Shorter today to help hide my feelings about things and help ease the pain which has been latent inside me all day, but I realized that nothing could adequately soothe this existentialist thirst inside of me. I'm now reading the Grapes of Wrath for the third time just because I know of no other book which portrays life so diligently. And I am becoming so frustrated with the fact that no matter what, no matter what happens, life continues moving at its steady pace and everybody but us moves right along with it with their McDonald's, their hipped-hopped clothes, and their everything in life that doesn't matter. I really am losing sight of what matters anymore. I want to believe some of this that I enjoy matters...but my God, why does it have to be like this? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|04:40 pm] |
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For some reason, I seem to be at a loss for words to completely describe how much I truly truly truly hate my job right now. It seems like, since I was hired a temp/contractor in May that things have gone from GREAT, to Good, to OK, to fine....to I just hate...my...job. AND the ridiculous thing IS - it's not even the actual job I hate! Sure, my job is repetitive and rather mundane at times and only an idiot - like Linda, who I work with - couldn't do it, but as far as having a hard job, a job that demands too much, or even a job that comes equipped with an annoying boss or supervisor? I shouldn't complain! But I'm sick and tired of earning shit for pay when I know I do a hell of a lot better job and am a hell of a lot better worker than so many of those people! And I'm equally tired - no matter where I go, whether it be RJR, Food Lion or the Fresh Market - to always have these cheerleaders who always say, "Chris is excellent! Chris is great Chris, you're such a hard worker!" for it to mean nothing in terms of results! Praise doesn't buy my way through school! And NOW! NOW I'm durected by some new supervisor - Chip - who has his head stuck so far up his ass he can't even tel that Linda's the idiot and that I'm the one between the two of us who nearly EVERYONE turns to when they have a question or problem! Even the other Supervisors ask me questions when they have problems - but CHIP wants to ignore me, act like I don't exist, act like I sit around everyday with my thumb stuck up my ass! And it's like with everyone, even other supervisors, telling me that I do such a good job, that I have my cube really neat and organized, and this, and that - it's like I'm never going to get promoted because I'm so far down in the well that even the echoes can't reach me...And I really wonder why I'm even getting my MBA. I'll probably graduate in a couple years with an MBA and still will be forced to so the same mundane crap I'm doing now and will never get noticed. I'm absolutely sick of not getting noticed. |
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| Why not? |
[Jun. 1st, 2005|08:33 pm] |
Tagged by mrsminnis
List your current six favourite songs, then pick six other people that have to do the same.
1) "Don't Let Me Down" - The Beatles
2) "All Together Now" - The Beatles
3) "Back Seat Of My Car" - Paul McCartney
4) "Mother" - John Lennon
5) "And I Love Her" - The Beatles
6) "Letting Go" - Paul McCartney
[It's pretty noticeable I listen to little more than Beatles while at work all day.]
I HEARBY TAG:
1.) flasunshine2007
2.) kittymonsterrat
3.) lucyx_in_sky
4.)nadaxsurfed
5.)newwayttowrite
6.) soundholestar |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2004|01:43 am] |
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I just died a little death. |
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| On Image |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|12:25 pm] |
Last night, while talking with Kat alone in the room, I finally was able to piece together my conceptions of Image. It appears that many of the things that I'm discriminatory about (and often vindictive when I make my snapshot judgments) are the same things people are discriminatory about concerning me. I'll divide these up, in no particular order:
#1 - Height/Weight.
I'm a big guy. I'm 6'4'' and weigh somewhere round 250 pounds. People wouldn't call me fat, nor thin - just big. And being big is something which I often find amusing since most people assume I could whoop anyone's ass, yet on the inside I'm very sensitive. I wouldn't classify myself as strong, but I can protect myself - which is enough. I think some girls like the fact that I'm big because my size suggests security and protection to them (and the third party). If you were walking down Lee Street at night, would you rather do it with someone my size or someone smaller? My size intimidates people. And that's just the point.
People view me as intimidating. If you didn't know me, what you see is a large guy and most people are intimidated to approach larger people. I know when I see someone taller or bigger than myself, it's often intimidating to even look at them for too long. These are the giants of the earth, the Nephilim. I've never known anyone bigger than myself - and perhaps this is because I'm intimidated by people who are naturally bigger than me. I can only imagine what other people who are smaller than me think when they don't know me. And I think this explains a lot.
#2 - Facial Hair.
Mike Shiver has a beard - and for those of you who don't know Mike Shiver, he has a black/dark dark brown beard. If you didn't know Mike you would assume that he was a dead serious guy without a sense of humor and couldn't see past his own arrogance. The beard does that. Without his beard, he doesn't look as mature, and you could possibly describe him as sad, contemplative, etc. [Notice how the adjectives change all due to facial hair.]
I have a stripe of hair on my chin which extends from my bottom lip to below my chin, and I have ear-long sideburns. When I shave, I don't think, "This is how people will perceive me." Instead I shave how I shave because I think it looks nice. While I've seen several other guys who shave similar to me, it never occurred to me that my style of shaving suggests rebelliousness, oddness, and Fred-Durst-wannabe punk. But it does. Since my style isn't the fu-manchu, the tuft of hair on the chin, or a beard - I am viewed differently than other people. Not eccentric though, but manufactured, immature, and fake. Like Fred Durst.
#3 - Clothes.
In the Spring and Autumn I wear tennis shoes and sandals. In the Summer I wear sandals. In the Winter I brown (more casual) shoes. I like wearing the same couple pairs of blue jeans continuously. I'd rather wear a flannel and t-shirt on top of anything else, but I wear other shirts for variety. Why do I wear what I wear? It's comfortable. Perhaps there is an element of me which is concerned with appearance - but why shouldn't I be? I'm single.
Last night confessed that when she first saw me, she confused me with any other regular preppy guy. I didn't mad or upset, but agreed: That's how I look. To Stu's mom, I look(ed) "thuggish." When I wear my tie-dyes, someone could think I was a stoner (or at the very least smoked weed). And let's face it, That's how I look.
If I saw someone dressed like myself I would probably pass the same judgments which people make concerning me. I have passed similar judgments. In fact, just yesterday, in my American Politics class, I was waiting around to ask the instructor a question after class, and a guy who I would've described as preppy and generally stupid looked at me, smiled a bit, and said, "I like your shirt," referring to my Grateful Dead tie-dye. I was a bit shocked, but told him thanks. Then he surprised me even more by asking, "So are they touring now as the Dead?" I may have even looked at him dumbfounded. I was shocked that someone else not only knew about the Grateful Dead (and possibly familiar with their music beyond "Truckin'" or "Casey Jones) but also knew their new name! I told him Yes, was about to engage in a conversation with him about it but it was my turn to ask the instructor a question. Case in point, it's impossible to judge someone by their clothes.
Case in point, it's impossible to judge anybody solely by their appearance - by their Image. I know Stu and I are often critical of guys who wear acid-washed jeans, Timberland boots, and red baseball caps - the guys who drive nice cars with girlfriends who wear the tightest clothes possible, but is our assumption correct or even needed? Is it fair to pass a critical judgment against somebody we don't know when we hate being critically judged? I've found that those guys must be doing something right: Not only are they wearing nice clothes, have a nice car, but have beautiful girlfriends. It's impossible to tell. If I was critical of everybody who dressed like that, I wouldn't have met my old friend Chris Lambeth who I started up my first band with in high school, and he was a very fun guy.
I imagine to some people I look like a stupid frat guy.
I've come to these conclusions based on how the new people in South Spencer have reacted to me within the past couple of weeks. For instance, it's for people to tickle and harass Stu whereas it's difficult to do that to me - and I think this is strictly based on image. And, as Kat said, 'When I first met you, I wouldn't have guessed you knew any Psychedelic Furs songs.' Of course, in my analysis of how people view me, I've left out very critical parts: the fact that I'm male, that fact that I'm shy and often reserved in large groups, and the fact that I don't introduce myself when people first meet me. All you get when you first meet me is my name - not my history, nor my favorite movies or bands, nor my interests. Just my name. People have warmed up to me, which is nice. Kat now thinks of me more than just a pop culture/music guru, and Scribe is able to talk to me now (even though I think a large majority of that reason is because she's interested in my roommate). Other people haven't warmed up to me, or just think I'm repulsive - but I won't name names out of respect.
In the end, I'm grateful for those people who have accepted me.
It's a shame that so much attention is given to image. Perhaps now I should be more wary in my snapshot judgments. It doensn't feel so great when the sun sets. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2004|11:28 pm] |
I hate being seen as two-dimensional...
or no-dimensional. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|08:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Grateful Dead - Hard to Handle | ] |
There are rare occassions when my stepdad directly buys me something.
Instead, he takes care of the things that matter: my car and the oil changes, my education, dinner when the family goes out, etc. Big things.
But there have been occassions when he's either purchased something directly for me, such as the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos CD back in the day when it was popular....
or an Aflac duck.
Though, I'm not sure he actually "bought" it - for all I know, he could've gotten it as some sort of free gift (a.k.a. promotion) from Aflac. Who knows where it came from. But he gave it to me 'cause he thought I would like it - thought I woudl find it funny since - when you press it, it screams, AFLAAAAAC!" - the Aflac duck is rather silly.
That was a couple years ago. And I still have it.
I don't play with it much. And whenever I look at it, it makes me sad.
It makes me sad because I remember the day he brought it home - he called up the stairs to me, where I was probably playing on the computer, and said, "I've got something for you." The thoughts raced through my head: Was it that CD I had been wanting? Was it $20? Was it this...was it that...?
No, it was a plush duck.
I remember standing there, on the bottom step, slightly disappointed. I'm not sure if I was disappointed with the gift or with my own disapointment.
"It's the thought that counts," they say - but it's a hard truth that Expectation often blurs that premise.
While standing on the bottom step, he handed me the duck and I pressed him and it yelled, "AFLAAAAC!" I grinned a sheepish grin disguising my disappointment but worrying that my eyes would tell another story. I pressed it a couple more times, grinned again, then told him "Thanks" and headed bakc upstairs.
I guess that little plush duck serves as a reminder for many things - namely that I'm a greedy bastard. But I guess that little duck represents my appreciation for everything my stepdad does for me now, little or small - because it's not just cars or clothes that make a difference in this world - its little plush ducks and the memories behind them. |
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| The Christmas Post |
[Dec. 23rd, 2003|03:48 pm] |
It seems every year - at Christmas - it's the same, and I think the same things:
I first am shocked at how fast the previous months have flown, but then I'm appalled at the after-Thanksgiving Day shoppers who seem to have nothing better to do than argue over the latest "hot" toy - I then find my own self scavenging for money to buy a few presents for family and friends - if I'm lucky to find enough, I get caught up in the holiday traffic, and often find myself walking the mall several times a week. Once all the wrapping is done, the desserts baked, I turn on the television and CNN or some other news station carries a message we've all seen a million times now: the less fortunate kids and families in third-world countries. For a moment, yes, I feel rotten inside - greedy - and like the average arrogant American, sympathetic. Then, come Christmas Eve, when at my grandma's we begin opening presents, I've completely forgotten those kids in Wherever.
It's like clockwork, really - Christmas is.
Brittany, the girl from Cary (NC) who I've been talking to, fascinates me. I asked her the other night what she was doing for Christmas. "Home alone," she said. "Oh, watching the movie, are you?" I joked. "No," she laughed, "my parents are going on vacation." "Well, what about presents? Will you open them early, or late, or alone?" I inquired afterwards. She said, "No. Who cares about presents? Don't need them." And I was tunned at how true, and how pragmatic this girl was, and she wasn't scared to turn down presents! [A complete 180 from Heather -- or myself, honestly...]
After we talked, I felt guilty. Here I've been since my birthday thinking about what to ask for...-- 'Maybe I should ask for this movie....or this one?' Then asking Stu, "Hey, what movies should I ask for?"
My list started with virtually nothing, and amounted to at least 30 things, mostly movies, by the middle of December.
I don't imagine that I'm saying I'm gonna turn down the presents. I'd have to be Brittany to do that, and alas, I'm not. [Not as cute, either.] I imagine that I am saying, though, that there is a spirit to the season - and it isn't Jesus, or God, or the Holy Spirit. No, while most folks say it's better ot give than receive, we'd much rather receive. So - I guess, in all honesty - the spirit of the season is guilt, sympathy, a bloated ego. Three things, honestly, I could - yet never will - live without. |
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| Judaism, pt. 2 |
[Nov. 21st, 2003|11:32 pm] |
Being home made me realize something that I had not considered within the past couple of weeks: namely, that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a religion or not.
Yes, most folks believe in God in one form or another - there are those who love him, and others who can't quite understand why He/She/It allows so much suffering in the world - and there are even those who don't believe in God, but they rarely verbalize such notions for fear of being scorned. But God isn't something which is discussed over scrambled eggs and bacon at the local Country Kitchen.
No, God is discussed in the family.
Yes, even my grandpa will often sit and just marvel at how God was able to so much in such a short amount of time (7 days). There have been occassions when he'll be watching National Geographic or Discovery, and he'll see pictures of intricately designed parasites and diseases, and he'll acclaim, "God must be pretty smart to be able to figure out how everything would fit together!" And we call it ecology. My grandpa calls it Smart.
Jesus is rarely discussed. If he is, it's only in the context of his miracles or a parable. My stepdad will often say, "You know the story of the poor man and the rich man, right?" Of course I do. Or, again, my grandpa will marvel at how Jesus was able to heal so many people. "It's just hard to believe," he tells me, "that Jesus had the power to cure anybody."
The sacraments are rarely discussed. Communion isn't something easily joked about, but then again, it is. It's just bread and Welch's grape juice. Symbolical, yes - and that's where its power comes from.
But religion? That's not a concern.
Yes, my folks think it's crazy to think that there are some people who have never read the Bible.
No, they're not ones to judge by a particular verse. Yet what Paul says is taken hand in hand.
The point of all this is for me to ask myself, "Why Judaism?" And why now?
Last night Audrey asked me, "Are you a religious person?" I had to think for a second - what does she mean? Typically, when most Americans ask, 'Are you a religious person?' we mean much more than 'religious' - we mean Christian. Do you go to church?--do you read the Bible?--do you pray? I said, "Sure. I guess so. But I am also spiritual." And we tended to agree that being spiritual meant just as much, if not more, than being religious. Even if I couldn't agree with being Christian, I could at least specify that I did, in fact, believe in God and read the Scriptures.
Will I become Jewish? Will I convert?
Sitting here it's hard to say. If it had been yesterday, I would have said yes, considering my intense study of both the liturgy and reading the Tanakh.
I guess my main concern is exactly what Audrey asked me, "Are you a religious person?" By religious, I should have asked, do you mean, do I attend and participate in a congregation, do I recite prayers with feeling, and meditate upon Scripture? No, no I don't.
But - Do I believe in God? Divine Providence? Do I read Scripture not as historical truth but for moral guidance? Yes.
What I've learned about Judaism so far, there's a great deal of concern with holiness. Versus Christianity, where humans are born vile and the Church acts as constant atonement - Jews concern themselves with maintaining a clean slate. It is a constant attempt to remain holy before God.
Beyond the creeds and whatnot, I imagine I've been wary to what extent me being Jewish would interupt my family. I'm sure my family would be very supportive - but if I started observing the Sabbaths (on Saturday), that would create difficulties. Christmas wouldn't be the Christmas I have been familiar with for years and years. There are so many family traditions which I fear would be interupted or destroyed because of my new acquisition of a "different faith."
And, well, I don't feel Jewish.
I may share similar beliefs, but I was born, was never circumcised, and was never raised with a Jewish ethic. From birth, I was instilled with a Protestant ethic, whether I believed in it or not.
[Needless to say, my post from yesterday, railing against those who insensitively characterized Jews still stands for Jews, in general. I think from now on I will attempt to shed less discrimination upon other groups.]
Will I become Jewish?
Sitting here tonight, with the opportunity to intensely study Jewish customs, I'd rather not, honestly. But who knows. Maybe in a couple of days things will become more clear. Or maybe they are clear now.
Maybe 22 years from now, things will be clear. I'll never know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2003|10:32 am] |
Couldn't sleep for long I guess 7 hours sleep isn't bad. I may take a nap at some point today. I'll need it depending on how late we stay at Liz's party tonight.
Went to Chase's last night. It was fun. Her and Heather's apartment was very nice. I can't wait to have an apartment of my own. And I was very fond of her kitties. I got licked in the face several times. I forgot how funny cat tongues feel. Mu never has licked me. My old cat Buttercup did - he was a good cat.
I enjoyed the company last night.
Yesterday was pretty busy overall. Hanging out with Chewie aftr class. Dinner with Angus. I'm beginning to wonder if all Angus knows how to talk about is philosophy. And I hate most philosophy.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks now. 22. It's not so exciting. I think it's weird birthdays are celebrated. I guess it's a special day for extra self-consciousness - "I still exist." Or maybe it's a day to remind you that people are glad you exist.
My mom and grandma are getting me a Grateful Dead boxed set, maybe. I was gonna ask for O Brother Where Art Thou - BUT I figured I could just borrow it from my stepdad.
I had a dream the other night - a week ago - that my dad died. It's sort of haunted me ever since. I always end up sad in those dreams, so I wake up sad. It's horrible. Despite everything that went wrong with him, I still realize that one of these days he'll die and I'll be left with so much guilt hanging above my head. Not for what happened - but for never making peace with him. I regret so many other things in life, one more thing couldn't hurt.
I should probably stop writing and get a shower and go home. I hope the car starts. Didn't last night until I put oil in it.
I'm glad to be who I am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2002|11:42 pm] |
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I snapped tonight. It wasn't pretty. |
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| Calvin |
[Mar. 1st, 2002|08:35 pm] |
On the way to dinner, we passed a church and the name of the church was...
The Uncompromising Word And Worship, Inc.
...Does anyone else feel scared? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2002|02:39 pm] |
My parents are irreproachable. Absolutely irreproachable.
My life is changing, and I might as well deal with it. My mom loves me so much that she hates me. It's common. When for so long they've provided, and then suddenly they realize for nearly 10 years you're back has been turned on them, they begin to hate you.
If only Heather would come to college here, I would never, ever have to go home. That would be absolutely to die for. |
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| I'm Killing Myself (Loneliness) |
[Jan. 31st, 2002|01:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | wave of mutilation - pixies | ] |
You know, the weather has been absolutely beautiful lately. I mean, today was almost perfect. I say almost since 'nothing' is absolutely perfect. The reason why it wasn't perfect thought was because I was lonely. The grass was green, the winds of springtime were in the air - and it's January! I saw lots of people sitting out on the grass having a good time together. There were several groups of people who just sat on blankets and laughed together. Lots of beautiful girls were out, as should be expected - and that was why I felt lonely. I mean, my dad came today and spent time with me today - but that's not what I wanted. I wanted to put my arm around someone, let the breeze calmly sail us away into the silent stretches of our minds, all the while an inner satisfaction is released in our words. I must admit that in those moments of lonliness, I met with certain eyes and found them very attractive. But, in the end, yes, I missed Heather.
Shannon dropped by our room tonight and was talking with us about herself and the kinds of things she's interested in. And, honestly, I'm glad to be who I am and to be with who I am.
Someone can look 'damn good' on the outside, but it's when you get to know that person, even if only for an hour (especially for just an hour), that person can look so unattractive.
And as I think of this, I am just reminded of the things I hav yet to experience with the woman, back home, whom I love.
But, I'm lonely. She's not here with me. And that, for the past 2 years, has made life difficult for me.
Whenever we broke up last October, I talked with Erika, and Erika told me that it seemed as if I was trying to "replace" Heather. And I was.
Jessica, Sarah, Jenn, and whoever else there was during that time - it all started out as physical. I wanted nothing else but touch. I didn't want an emotional commitment to these girls. I already had one with Heather - and that's why things got confusing. When the emotions set in, it was too hard to deal with them. Again, all I wanted was physical touch. I wanted a girl to do stuff with! I wanted a female to laugh with, to tell my old jokes to, to be myself, and, well, honestly, to touch. But I always took things too far. Even the fact that I wanted 'touch' was too much. I was lonely.
I'm lonely now. And Stu once told Jenn, "Don't, Chris is vulnerable." I resented that statement at the time, but all I can say now is, "Don't, I'm vulnerable."
And in my sorrows, I created Happy CD #9 - but it's not so happy. Most of the songs seem to reflect alienation, solitude, and easiness. A lot of the more upbeat songs seem out of place, but, at the same time, the easy-going songs seem to make me happy - at least when I'm in this queer mood.
I'm scared. I am honestly scared, deep inside.
I'm scared of the fact that I have Elizabeth's number memorized, despite the masks I put on.
I'm scared that tomorrow might be another beautiful day and that I will be left momentarily hopeless.
I'm scared that this loneliness inside will drive me to the point of hurting her again - and goddammit, as I hold back the tears, I don't want that for her!
I'm scared that if I let myself slip, it'll be the end of my immediate future, only allowing for a new future to be written. But, the truth is, and i'm ignorant for it, I refuse to let a new future be written. I want the future that's up here in my mind - solemn and dark as my mind may be at times.
I'm scared of myself. Do I trust myself? No.
Ironic, just as I typed that, Bob Mould just sang through my headphones, "Sometimes I can't trust myself."
I'm scared to go to bed because I'm scared I might wake up in the same state of mind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2002|11:34 pm] |
There is something somewhat "holy" about the blue perfection of my William James book. I imagine that it includes all of his writings, and so, this book seems to me comparable to the collected writings of Thomas Aquinas. Yes, indeed, there is something holy about the black-typed words within the blue soft-bound pages. Yet, contradictory, there is nothing at all holy about it.
In my thoughts today, I was forced to ask further questions of what I want to do with my life after college - what it was exactly that I want to study in graduate school. I am at a loss. I feel that maybe I will be forever at a loss. I guess I will only pursue the passions of my mind at the times in which those passions arise, or else, I'll just let those passions fade until suitable passions completely envelope me.
I called Elizabeth today and talked to her for the first time. Maybe the last? I just wasn't impressed by 'her' at all.
She's very religious - spiritual - but she said she was non-denominational. I kinda have speculations against non-denominational people - then again, I imagine that I am non-denominational.
She's really into movies which is cool and all - but movies aren't where I put my stock.
She asked me what hobbies were and Ionly got to mention one before she asked, "Do you smoke pot?" It seems that she smokes it whenever she can.
Then, to top it all off, she works at a place which exclusively sells kegs.
So, it seems that the opposites outweight the likenesses and her suggestion of "maybe we can hang out sometime" will never happen - even though she's already invited me to some play?
Again, I don't think "hanging out" is ever going to happen.
After talking to her, it was an absolute pleasure hearing Heather's voice. I took pride in my life and who I am dating and who I am friends with. Life just seems simple this way.
This brings me to another philosophical point which I've been considering: natural balance.
Now, I don't deny the existence of God because - well - that's how I was raised - and mainly, it just seems impossible that a collective unconscious is responsible for the creations and daily wanderings we see around us. No, something else created this. Even if it was created by some Big Bang theory, something had to initiate this Big Bang: heat? Where did the heat come from...and so on.
While not denying the existence of a supreme divine 'being,' I also, for some reason, do not believe in divine intervention. I just do not believe in causal determination. Of course, thinking about such subjects seems to me a bit perplexing. The practical question should be asked, If there is a supreme 'being' then why shouldn't its being exert constant influence on us? More techincal, slightly evolutionist, questions are asked, If the amoeba's goal in life was survival, what, or who, gave it the notion that it needed to survive? Like the heat behind the Big Bang, there is some sort of catalyst...whether I want to believe it or not. Even if creation was set into motion, and the only divine intervention was to give the notion of survival to the amoeba, then the parasite, and so forth until primates and other animals obtained notions of survival - even if such intervention was enacted then and a chain reaction of primordial autonomy has invaded all our minds, the its impossible to deny divine intervention. And if such divine intevrention was present then, why should it not be present now?
Regardless, being there are relatively no arguments against divine intervention, I still have the notion of free will. Of course, my notion of free will is not entirely different from the other philosopher's notion of free will. It just seems ot me that when a perosn subscribes to free will, they subscribe to the belief that causal determination is ludicrous, or at least, they subscribe to the notion that it is they, the individual, who controls their environment, but also, that it is the multiple autonomies of the world at play which affect our daily lives and decisions, not causal determination - not divine intervention. Of course, I guess even free will results from some initial force/concept.
And, so, drawing form this, since I can't surface any arguments against divine intervention , I guess the notion of "natural balance" - or, everything in its place, is very probable.
My belief in natural balance is at home in the notions of divine intervention - and seems contradictory to the notion of free will. Of course, the notion of divine intervention and causal determination are two different things. Perhaps it is still possible to believe in free will, and the cause-effect relationship of multiple autonomies - and have reasonable to deny "the reasn why things are" - but then that would deny the concept of natural balance.
Goddamn it. That was a pun. |
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